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1. Buy a house that is haunted. This seems pretty simple. To avoid poltergeists, demonic energies, or other not-of-this-world horrors do not arrange a situation where you will be living with them. “Roommate from hell” takes a different meaning when the dead are involved. 

2. Be a white, lower middle class nuclear family. You’ll make all the wrong choices. 

3. Don’t be a minority either. If you are a person of colour, queer, or a woman you will die a terrible death. If you’re all three it's amazing you made it to the house at all, and didn’t die in some ill-fated car accident on the way. 

4. Think that recording any of this will make a difference. Honestly it's mostly just going to be night-vision footage of nothing until the last 15 minutes anyway.

5. Dismiss your child's new friend as imaginary. If your youngest and cutest daughter is saying weird things, having mood swings, and talking about a new bff no one else can see put down the parenting book and pick up the car keys.

6. Be a man with mistakes in his past to make up for. Adulterers, alcoholics, or assholes do not get out of haunted houses. You will have to a) sacrifice yourself to save your family or b) your assholish nature will make you easier to influence for the spirits, and you will be killed by your suddenly-not-a-pushover-even-though-it makes-no sense-for -her-established-character -wife. 

7. Have a shed out back with axes, or chainsaws, or cleavers. If the house comes with one burn it down on your first night. The city’s fee for an illegal backyard bonfire will be cheaper than forking over your soul to the devil. 

8. Go in the basement. Or the attic. Try and stay on the ground floor. 

9. Use ouija board, or hold a seance. Seriously? 

10. Stay when the power mysteriously goes out, light candles, or wander the dark creaky house with a flashlight. If the lights so much as flicker LEAVE.

11. Open that odd door in the closet with the strange scratch marks on the floor. The scratch marks are a warning. Maybe follow it. 

12. Similarly to the comments of your cutest youngest daughter do not ignore the elderly. The town drunk who you bump into at the gas station whose best friend died in that house in 73’ after a dare to spend the night inside went horribly wrong? Listen to him when he says you should go. Same for the old woman who may or may not be blind with the seemingly kind smile, but menacing grip on your wrist. 

13.  Unpack. After reading this list you’ll know the signs on your first night so don’t bother sorting through the boxes just call the moving company back and tell them to take your stuff to your mother-in-laws. Oh, you’d rather the demons? Hope you like the horror house you bought then, you’re going to be there for a long time.