Read your horoscope for the day! Most newspapers will give general predictions. We are the only one who will give you a future unique to you! What’s in store for today:

 

Capricorn 

Dec 22-Jan 19th

Your lucky numbers are 5, 23, 7, and 9. Another 5 months until you meet her. 23 days after that you’ll look up as a snowflake catches on her lashes and realize you are in love with her. It will take you 7 days after you buy the ring to propose to her. You will have 9 years before you lose her. 

 

Aquarius 

Jan 20th-Feb 18th

You will get in a fight with your boss about “maintaining professionalism and eliminating bias” in your writing. You will win the argument by telling her that no one believes these horoscopes anyway. 

 

Pisces

Feb 19th-Mar 20th

Unfortunately you will have died in your sleep last night. You were hoping to hang on until he called, but it was time. You will not see this as you are dead, but don’t worry someone will bring in the paper for you. 

 

Aries

Mar 21st-Apr 19th

There is a tall, dark and handsome stranger in your future. When he smiles you will feel fear plunge like a diver from the back of your throat and into your gut. When he advances on you remember this, it’s important: remember what you have on your keyring. 

 

Taurus

Apr 20th-May 20th

You will feel panic creep up your lungs like mold. You will search the caverns of your mind and find the answer you seek gone without even a bag of sand that weighs the same in its place. You will not know what to do. You do not remember the answer, and you do not even understand the question enough to fake it. Stay close to your friends. They may help you. 

 

Gemini

May 21st-Jun 20th

You will get in a fight with an employee about “maintaining professionalism and eliminating bias” in their writing. To save some time you should be reminded that nobody believes these horoscopes anyway.

 

Cancer 

Jun 21st- Jul 22nd 

You never called her and now it’s too late. She was old and you waited too long. Isn’t it ironic that you're a cancer? You know, considering? You scoff at horoscopes, but reading this will get into your head.You will be so distracted you’ll storm out of the diner without collecting your change.You will go check up on her after hours of talking yourself out of this “ridiculous nonsense.” Be a good grandson and bring her newspaper in won't you? It’s the least you could do. 

 

Leo

Jul 23rd-Aug 22nd

You are tired, and you have been for a long time. You are going to wake up and reach for the bottle of pills you have on top of the note you wrote months ago that you still keep on your bedside. You will think “today is the day.” But it isn’t. You will go into your shitty job, and a stranger will leave you a huge tip almost double the cost of the meal he had. You will feel for a single moment awake instead of exhausted. The tiredness will come back,but you will hold on. 

 

Virgo

Aug 23rd-Sept 22nd 

Your lucky numbers are 5, 3, 2, and 13. It will be another 5 months untill you meet him. 3 weeks after you marry him you will have the crushing realization that you don’t love him. You like him though so you will only tell this to 2 people, and will try to make it work. You won't. Over the course of your life with him he will make you laugh so hard you cry a total of 13 times. 

 

Libra 

Sept 23rd-Oct 22nd

You will sleep through your alarm, and not read your morning paper. It is too late for you to see this. There is a girl in your future. She is beautiful in the way a vintage photograph is beautiful. She will remind you of her in some way, but her face in your mind is so faded you will be unable to say why. If you had seen this you would have known what will happen when you smile at her. But you aren’t going to see this, so good riddance. 

 

Scorpio 

Oct 23rd-Nov 21st

You will be called upon to do a heroic deed today. You will go for a walk by yourself and realize you have forgotten your headphones.That's OK. That’s good. It’s because you don’t have them you’ll hear the whistle. Save the girl. 

 

Sagittarius 

Nov 22nd-Dec 21st

Nothing noteworthy will happen to you today. A friend will need your help. The answer they seek is “d) none of the above.” Get some rest tonight. You’ll need it when you read your horoscope tomorrow.